THE LATE AFTERNOON SHOW

Talk Show Host: Hello everyone and welcome to the “Late Afternoon Show”. I’m your host, David Letterman, and this afternoon we will be meeting with a man here to talk about his incredible journey. So let me introduce the man of the hour and our first guest for the night, hailing from the happy isles of Great Britain, put your hands together for Mr. Lemuel Gulliver!

(Applause)

Talk show Host: Take your seats everyone. Get comfortable my man, how are ya?

Gulliver: I’m fine, but is there something wrong with the lighting? I can barely see.

Talk Show Host: The lighting is fine Gulliver. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Gulliver: Well, after finishing up at Emanuel college, I immersed myself in the study of medicine for two years with the hopes of becoming a surgeon. I have had a deep passion and love for the sea, so when I finished, I took the first chance I got to live on the ocean on a vessel so I could travel and…

Talk show Host: Ok Gulliver, I said to tell us a little bit about yourself, not your entire life story. I understand you have a film coming out soon about your travels. Briefly this time Gulliver, tell us about it.

Gulliver: It chronicles my travels on the sea and the encounters I make with strange and foreign beings.

Talk show Host: Strange and foreign beings? Like fauns, witches, and a talking lion?

Gulliver: No! This is no fantasy; the film shows my interactions with the diminutive yet malicious citizens of Lilliput to my dealings with the prodigious yet gentle giants of Brobdingnag. The movie exhibits the strange traditions, laws, and cultures of these foreign people and how they differ from ours, yet in so many instances, how they are so similar at the same time.

Talk Show Host: That actually sounds just like a fantasy- are you sure of what you are here promoting?

Gulliver: This film is a documentary of the travels that I actually went upon. It is NOT a fantasy.

Talk show Host: Ok Gulliver, ok. Why don’t we play the clip or trailer from the movie – you saving Lilliputans from a fire.

(Clip plays)

Talk Show Host: Well doesn’t that look interesting. Those little Lilliputians certainly seemed malicious, but maybe not without reason. Did you make any friends there at all?

Gulliver: Well there was Reldresal, Principal Secretary for Private Affairs on Lilliput, but even he wanted to gouge my eyes out and starve me to death in the end.

Talk Show Host: Sounds like a rocky relationship - what made those little guys hate you so much?

Gulliver: I was unwilling to destroy the lives and land of thousands of innocent people living on the island of Blefuscu, Lilliput’s enemy. Oh yeah, I also urinated on the Queen’s apartment within the royal palace.

Talk show Host: Why would you do something like that? You really had no other option?

Gulliver: No, I had to make water in order to stop a fire that would have surely destroyed a large portion of her majesty’s living quarters.

Talk Show Host: They wanted to kill you for that? Well maybe we can straighten this out. Our next guest is a native of Lilliput, his majesty, Imperial Emperor of Lilliput!

(She slowly rises from behind the desk, and Gulliver shrieks in terror)

Emperor: I vowed revenge against you, and now it is my time to receive it.

Gulliver: Oh No, leave me alone you wench.

Talk Show Host: Ooh this is what I call drama. This brings me back to our Jersey Shore cast reunions that we sometimes have here on the show.

Emperor: My name is Golbasto Momaren Evlame Gudilo Shefin Mully Ully Gue, the mighty emperor of Lilliput.

Host: Is this some kind of trick? Why don’t you stand up?

Emperor: I am standing up. I’m only 6 inches tall.

Host: Wow…*stunned*. Why don’t we give you something to stand on (slowly raise up.

So what did you initially think of seeing Gulliver?

Emperor: My initial reaction was that this beast must be tied down and at the slightest movements he have arrows thrown at him. Which, did happen.

Host: Then what?

Emperor: After he became our prisoner, I was excited to have him around, and use him for my own needs. You know, doing manual labor, carrying my people in his pockets, capturing enemy ships, and crushing Blefuscu.

Emperor: But then he goes and pees on my wife’s apartment, eats all our food, and decides not to destroy my enemy. Who does he think he is, going against what I want?

Obviously he needed his eyes taken out and starved. Luckily for him, he escaped.

Host: Talk about a small person’s complex. But I can still sympathize - it must be strange to feel that small.

Gulliver: Just you wait - you may come to know the feeling sooner than you would like.

(King B--rises from side of stage…or walks in door)

Host: Whoa! Who’s this now?

Gulliver: Let me introduce you to the King of Brobdingnag, your majesty, this is the Host and the King of Lilliput

King B: Well hello little man, didn’t see you down there

Emperor: Why you gigantic-

Host: Welcome to the show, King. So, Gulliver, I take it your travels brought you to the land of the giants, what was it like living with creatures 12x’s bigger than you?

Gulliver: Rather like living in a doll house while fighting off wasps, monkeys, and demonic dwarves.

Host: Sounds like an adventure. King Brobdingnag, what was it like having an Englander visit your country?

King B: Our little Gulliver caused quite an uproar in court. The Queen took quite a liking to this little fellow, and even had the court dwarf kicked out of the palace after throwing Gulliver in the cream during dinner. Queen even had a little house made for him and everything.

Host: that was nice. Are the politics similar to that of Brobdingnag?

King B: Egad, no. I had Gulliver give an account of your peoples’ politics, history, and society and was astounded by the baseness of your blood-thirsty culture. How amusing you little people are with your imperious social standings and feuds.

Gulliver: I believe your exact description for us was: “the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth”

King B: I think that sums it up nicely, no hard feelings Gulliver.

Host: (to Gulliver) Sounds like you managed to paint a terrible picture. Did you forget to mention the things that make our way of life great, such as the always-entertaining Late Afternoon show?

Gulliver: I tried to give an accurate depiction of England, and even offered to teach my narrow-minded friend the use of gunpowder (no hard feelings King), but alas—he threatened banishment for suggesting violence. His views on how the country had ought to be ruled are very different.

Host: Say, Gulliver, didn’t you meet another type of people? The Yahoos? Did you bring any of those along as well?

Gulliver: I think that between you and I here, the Yahoo is well represented here.

Host: I’m not too sure where you’re going with that one. We’ve nearly reached the end of the show, let’s close out the show with a “Top 5” segment. This week’s “Top 5”: Top 5 things to avoid when journeying through strange lands, compiled by our writers after interviewing Gulliver.

Host: At number 5: “Meeting historical figures” – not always as great as it seems, eh Gulliver?

Gulliver: Not at all. I found out Alexander the Great, for example, died from drinking too much.

Host: Sounds like he would be better remembered as “Alexander the Drunk”. Moving on now to number 4: “Teasing gigantic dwarves that already don’t like you”. That one has trouble written all over it.

Gulliver: I’d rather not relive that if you don’t mind.

Host: No problem. At number 3: Dating somebody many times taller than you.

Gulliver: Their flaws are magnified - it’s absolutely disgusting.

Emperor: I can vouch for that – Gulliver is most definitely disgusting.

King B: That goes the other way as well – you small folks are more of novelties to my people.

Host: Fair enough King. Thing to avoid number 2: “Urinating all over the Empress’s apartment”.

Emperor: He deserves to be put to death for that.

Host: And finally, at number 1- I’m sorry to throw you under the bus like this here Gulliver, but the thing to avoid most of all has to be “leaving your pregnant wife at home as you travel indefinitely”.

Host: Well, that’s all the time we have today. Thank you to all of our guests and thank you for watching “The Late Afternoon Show”.